The Great Of The Union

The Great Of The Union


YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT BARACK
OBAMA DELIVERED HIS FINAL STATE OF THE UNION SPEECH. EVERYBODY WAS THERE. THE ONLY PERSON WHO WAS NOT
THERE WAS A VERY RELIEVED JOHN BOEHNER WHO WAS AT HOME WATCHING
A “PROPERTY BROTHERS” MARATHON. I IMAGINE IS WHAT I WOULD DO. I WOULD DO THAT. OBAMA’S WORDS WERE CONFIDENT AND
ASPIRATIONAL HARKENING BACK TO THE OPTIMISM THAT DEFINED HIS
2008 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN. HE CONTINUALLY RETURNED TO THE
THEME OF HOPE-ING YOU NOTICED THAT HE DID STUFF.>>LET ME START WITH THE ECONOMY
AND A BASIC FACT. THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
RIGHT NOW HAS THE STRONGEST MOST DURABLE ECONOMY IN THE WORLD. OUR AUTO INDUSTRY JUST HAD ITS
BEST YEAR EVER. NEARLY 900,000 NEW JOBS IN THE
PAST SIX YEARS. GAS UNDER TWO BUCKS A GALLON
AIN’T BAD, EITHER. IRAN HAS ROLLED BACK ITS NUCLEAR
PROGRAM. IF YOU DOUBT AMERICA’S
COMMITMENT– OR MINE– TO SEE THAT JUSTICE IS DONE, JUST ASK
OSAMA BIN LADEN.>>Stephen: WHAT?! OH, NO, HE DIDN’T! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PUT THEM ON THE TABLE, ALL IN. THE AUTO INDUSTRY! GAS PRICES! IRAN! BIN LADEN! NOT BAD. OF COURSE, HE DIDN’T CLOSE GITMO
OR CONVINCE ZAYN TO STAY IN ONE DIRECTION. COME BACK, BIG Z! WE NEED YOU! OF COURSE, OBAMA CHALKED UP THE
SUCCESSES OF HIS TWO TERMS NOT JUST TO HIMSELF, BUT TO THE
SPIRIT THAT RESIDES IN ALL GREAT AMERICANS.>>AMERICA IS THOMAS EDISON
AND THE WRIGHT BROTHERS, GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER, GRACE HOPPER,
KATHERINE JOHNSON, SALLY RIDE.>>Stephen: HEAVY METAL SUICIDE. ♪ WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE
I GOT A LITTLE MISTY. ♪ AND HIS SPEECH WAS LISTEE ♪
THE POINT IS– IT’S A GOOD SONG–
POINT IS, THE PRESIDENT SAW INSPIRATIONAL FIGURES
EVERYWHERE.>>AMERICA IS EVERY IMMIGRANT
AND ENTREPRENEUR FROM BOSTON TO AUSTIN.>>Stephen: YES, BOSTON TO
AUSTIN… GREENBAY TO SANTA FE… ALASKA TO NEBRASKA… ♪ WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE ♪
( APPLAUSE ) CAN’T GET IT OUT OF YOUR HEAD. YOU CANNOT GET IT OUT OF YOUR
HEAD. ( LAUGHTER )
HERE’S THE THING– AMERICA WAS GREAT AND IS GREAT. BUT THE TWIST IS, IT WILL ALSO
BE GREAT.>>I WANT TO FOCUS ON OUR
FUTURE, THE FUTURE WE WANT. A RISING STANDARD OF LIVING AND
A SUSTAINABLE, PEACEFUL PLANET FOR OUR KIDS– ALL THAT IS
WITHIN OUR REACH. BUT IT WILL ONLY HAPPEN IF WE
WORK TOGETHER. IT WILL ONLY HAPPEN IF WE CAN
HAVE RATIONAL, CONSTRUCTIVE DEBATES.>>Stephen: THE FUTURE WILL BE
MISSED. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) JIM, LET’S HAVE A FOND LOOK BACK
ON WHAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN NOW. ( APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: BUT, OF COURSE, IT WASN’T JUST OBAMA’S BIG NIGHT. ALL EYES WERE ON THE NEW SPEAKER
OF THE HOUSE AND GUY AT THE GYM GRUNTING SO LOUD YOU CAN HEAR IT
THROUGH YOUR EARBUDS, PAUL RYAN. THIS WAS HIS FIRST TIME BEHIND
THE PRESIDENT, AND HE WAS DETERMINED TO GET IT RIGHT. RYAN EVEN TOLD C.N.N. HE WAS
PRACTICING HIS POKER FACE. , OF COURSE, RYAN HAD A TOUGH
JOB. WHEN YOU’RE THE SPEAKER IN THE
PARTY OPPOSING THE PRESIDENT, BE YOU REPUBLICAN OR BE YOU
DEMOCRAT, YOU HAVE A DUTY NOT TO REACT FAVORABLY TO ANYTHING THE
PRESIDENT SAID. RYAN HAD TO APPEAR
SIMULTANEOUSLY ENGAGED AND ENRAGED. I GIVE HIM CREDIT HE DELIVERED A
TRULY EN-GRAIJING PERFORMANCE. LOOK AT ALL THE THINGS HE DIDN’T
APPLAUD.>>WE’VE GOT TO MAKE IT EASIER
TO VOTE, NOT HARDER. WE NEED TO MODERNIZE IT. FIXING A BROKEN IMMIGRATION
SYSTEM. ( APPLAUSE )
PROTECTING OUR KIDS FROM GUN VIOLENCE. ( APPLAUSE )
EQUAL PAY FOR EQUAL WORK. ( APPLAUSE )
WE REFORMED OUR HEALTH CARE SYSTEM AND REINVENTED OUR ENERGY
SECTOR. ( APPLAUSE )
THAT’S HOW WE DELIVERED MORE CARE AND BENEFITS TO OUR TROOPS
COMING HOME AND OUR VETERANS. ( APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: LOOK AT THAT DISCIPLINE! HE DIDN’T EVEN APPLAUD FOR THE
TROOPS! THAT’S LIKE BOOING APPLE PIE OR
NOT CRYING DURING “FIELD OF DREAMS.” ( LAUGHTER )
HE PLAYS CATCH WITH HIS DAD! THE POINT IS, PAUL RYAN IS THE
MASTER. LET’S SEE IF I COULD GET HIM TO
APPLAUD. JIM? HERE WE GO. SAVING PUPPIES FROM A BURNING
BUS! ( LAUGHTER )
A GUY IN A WHEELCHAIR MAKES A HALF-COURT BASKETBALL SHOT! ( LAUGHTER )
AN ELDERLY CAT FINDS A FOREVER HOME! AMERICA ADDS A SECOND CHRISTMAS! HE IS A TOUGH NUT. OH, I KNOW– THE FIRST TIME WE
SEE THE MILLENIUM FALCON IN THE NEW “STAR WARS”! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH, THAT ONE GETS EVERYBODY RIGHT HERE. OF COURSE, IT WAS REALLY OBAMA’S
NIGHT, AND IN HIS LAST STATE OF THE UNION, THE PRESIDENT
RETURNED TO THE UNIFYING THEME OF ALL HIS SPEECHES: VERY LONG
PAUSES. ANYONE WHO WATCHES HIM KNOWS HE
TENDS TO TAKE BREAKS BETWEEN WORDS… FOR EMPHA… SIS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND WHILE LAST NIGHT WAS NO EXCEPTION, THE NETWORKS DID
SOMETHING I’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE– THEY SOLD AD TIME
DURING HIS PAUSES.>>WE THE PEOPLE.>>DRAFTKINGS. DAILY FANTASY SPORTS JACKPOTS! PLAY FREE WITH PROMO CODE “STATE
OF THE UNION”!>>OUR CONSTITUTION BEGINS WITH
THOSE THREE SIMPLE WORDS.>>HOTEL TRANSYLVANIA 2, NOW
AVAILABLE ON BLU-RAY!>>WORDS WE’VE COME TO RECOGNIZE
MEAN ALL THE PEOPLE, NOT JUST SOME.>>farmersonly.com!>>WORDS THAT INSIST WE RISE AND
FALL TOGETHER.>>SPEEDSTICK DEODORANT
>>Stephen: AND WHILE THE PRESIDENT USED HIS FINAL STATE
OF THE UNION TO CROW ABOUT HOW HE DID THINGS HIS WAY, HE ALSO
ADMITTED THAT REGRETS, HE HAD A FEW.>>IT’S ONE OF THE FEW REGRETS
OF MY PRESIDENCY, THAT THE RANCOR AND SUSPICION BETWEEN THE
PARTIES HAS GOTTEN WORSE INSTEAD OF BETTER. I HAVE NO DOUBT, A PRESIDENT
WITH THE GIFTS OF LINCOLN OR ROOSEVELT MIGHT HAVE BETTER
BRIDGED THE DIVIDE.>>Stephen: MAYBE HE’S NOT A
LINCOLN OR A ROOSEVELT, BUT THE PRESIDENT DID TRY TO RALLY THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE TO COME TOGETHER AND FACE WHAT MANY SEE AS AN
EXISTENTIAL THREAT TO OUR NATION–
DONALD TRUMP.>>WE NEED TO REJECT ANY
POLITICS, ANY POLITICS THAT TARGETS PEOPLE
BECAUSE OF RACE OR RELIGION. WHEN POLITICIANS INSULT MUSLIMS,
IT DOESN’T MAKE US SAFER. THAT’S NOT TELLING IT LIKE
IT IS. IT’S JUST WRONG. IT DIMINISHES US IN THE EYES OF
THE WORLD. ( APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: NOW, HE DIDN’T MENTION THE REPUBLICAN
FRONTRUNNER BY NAME– BECAUSE IF YOU SAY IT THREE TIMES, HE
APPEARS BEHIND YOU AND DEMANDS YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) AND HERE’S THE THING–
THE PRESIDENT WASN’T THE ONLY ONE CALLING FOR AMERICA
TO BUILD A WALL AROUND DONALD TRUMP. SO WAS THE REPUBLICAN PARTY’S
OFFICIAL DESIGNATED RESPONSE SPEAKER, SOUTH CAROLINA GOVERNOR
AND CREST WHITESTRIPS AFTER PHOTO NIKKI HALEY.>>DURING ANXIOUS TIMES, IT CAN
BE TEMPTING TO FOLLOW THE SIREN CALL OF THE ANGRIEST VOICES. WE MUST RESIST THAT
TEMPTATION. SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT YOU HAVE
TO BE THE LOUDEST VOICE IN THE ROOM.>>Stephen: THE THING IS THAT BY
SHOWING UP IN BOTH OF THESE SPEECHES, BY TURNING THE STATE
OF THE UNION NIGHT INTO THE STATE OF THE TRUMP, DONALD
PROVED HE’S THE LOUDEST VOICE IN THE ROOM, EVEN WHEN HE’S NOT IN
THE ROOM. AND WITH BOTH PARTIES USING
THEIR PLATFORM TO GO AFTER THIS MAN’S POLICIES, LAST NIGHT
DONALD TRUMP DID SOMETHING OBAMA COULD NOT– HE BROUGHT THE
COUNTRY TOGETHER. THAT MEANS HE’S AS GREAT AS
LINCOLN, AND F.D.R., AND I’M SURE DONALD TRUMP
WOULD AGREE.

7 thoughts on “The Great Of The Union

  1. I guess that makes Republicans treasonous according to Trump, since they didn't applaud the President during good news

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *