Learning About Sex from Women’s Magazines

Learning About Sex from Women’s Magazines

-Now, check this out. Last night, I was checking out
at the grocery store, and the cover of “Cosmo”
caught my eye. It said something like, “Five ways to dirty talk
your man’s rod into space.” [ Laughter ] And all I could think was, “‘Cosmo’ magazine
makes a lot of assumptions.” The biggest one being that
anyone still buys magazines. [ Laughter ] Women’s magazines
are a perfect mix of thoughtful information
and complete trash. On one page, it’s what to expect
from your first gyno exam. And on the next page,
it’s a piece called “How to make yourself
a literal snack by putting dipping sauce
on your nipples.” [ Laughter and applause ] But I’ll be real. In high school,
I loved women’s magazines. I know! I used to learn from them,
which is a bad idea. [ Laughter ] I was an awkward 15-year-old who should have been learning
about how to kiss. Meanwhile, “Glamour”
was yelling at me like, “Are you a butt stuff girl?” [ Laughter ] [ Laughter continues ] I once read a tip
about “exciting your man” by using an ice cube
while giving a B.J. [ Laughter ] Yeah, nothing says “sexy” like giving someone a surprise
cold shower in your mouth. Sexy! And the “ways to please your
man” lists have gotten so ridiculous.
Do you not think so? Every other article is like, “20 ways to make your man
go cross-eyed.” “50 ways to make
your man’s butt explode.” “74 ways to grind
your man’s junk into raw beef.” Who has the time
to do 74 of anything? Listen, I can either
do one thing well or two things at 50%.
You pick, babe. 74. Don’t be dumb. The craziest thing about these
magazines is that we assume the author of these articles
are experts. “No, okay?” Because the people
who have the most sex are always rolling over
afterward and going, “Ah,
where’s my laptop? I’ve got to write 500 words
about this.” [ Laughter and applause ] And don’t get me started
on all the quizzes. Like, “Are you a wildcat
or a house cat in the bed?” And I’m just like,
“I’m whichever one is Garfield.” [ Laughter and applause ] I’m just in the back
eatin’ lasagna. [ Laughter and applause ] I once took a test that said,
on a scale of 1 to 100, it would tell me how sexually
adventurous I am. I literally got a three. [ Laughter ] The line after three said, “I’m sorry you lost
your genitals in a house fire.” [ Laughter ] But the thing that always
blew my mind were the quizzes you take
to find out if you’re in
a healthy relationship with your significant other. Taking a relationship survey
out of a women’s magazine is like going on WebMD. If you have that many symptoms,
you already know it’s cancer. [ Laughter and applause ] Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh. [ Laughter ] And in the middle of all
of these sex quizzes and tips, there’s always one article that
attempts serious journalism, about a girl who almost died because her heart
grew in backwards, but now she’s dating a guy whose
heart also grew in backwards. And the article is titled
“Inside Out: How My Backwards Heart
Led Me Forward To Love.” [ Laughter and applause ] And by the end,
all you’ve learned is that people
with backwards hearts can only do it doggy-style. [ Laughter and applause ] Now, don’t get me wrong. Men’s magazines
are just as stupid. They’re all about
which celebs are the hottest, which cars are the fastest, and which musky cologne
smells the muskiest. But you know what you don’t see on the cover
of a lot of men’s magazines? 900 ways to please your woman. [ Cheers and applause ] Yep. [ Cheers and applause ] Which is ironic,
because, as opposed to men, there are actually 900 ways
to please a woman. [ Cheers and applause ] It’s like — It’s like
if there were 400 articles telling you how to fly a kite and 1 about how to operate
an airplane. There are a few really simple
ways to please women that men need to learn. Start with cleaning up
after yourself. [ Laughter and applause ] Notice that we got
our hair done. And, I don’t know — learn how to spell the alphabet
with your tongue.

64 thoughts on “Learning About Sex from Women’s Magazines

  1. Hi, there "Good Morning" Early Bird. Practice! Do make perfect? Lilly Singh, your personality is growing with full of laughter. I've almost giggled so hard I'd caught a breath with tears draining from my eye's. Your jokes are naturally amazing. But! Nice job & thanks, for showing video.

  2. I love her videos so much!! She is so funny!!!?? "I'm whichever one is Garfield"?? MEEEEE
    Also PREACHHHHH '900 ways to please a woman'

  3. Living for this outfit ??? Lilly . Haha reminds me of her collab with Charlize Theron ???????? . This is the best monologue ever

  4. I am a Lilly's fan. I know how to spell the alphabet with my ? but I'm not a man. However I am willing to teach call me at 1-800-LICKLIT???

  5. " Aint no 100 ways to please a man. Theres 4 things. Just suck his dick play with his balls fix em some sandwich and dont talk so much and they're happy "
    -Sir David Khari Wbber Chappelle

  6. This is so much better than the older monologue
    I love you Lilly but you gotta bump up the comedy level on these man! ???
    All the best for everything!

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